Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Randomize
