im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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