My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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