I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
