I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
