I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
