Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
