There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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