If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
