So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize