Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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