apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
