You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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