He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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