:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
