He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
