I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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