You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
