i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
