remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
