I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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