I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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