Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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