So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
