When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
