So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
