why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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