Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
