woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
