While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
