I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
