my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
