i love accidental penises.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
