I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
