this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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