I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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