ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
