Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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