i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
