when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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