Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
