im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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