Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
