Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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