you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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