i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
