so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
