My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
