i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
