how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Also, beer. Big fan.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
