we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize