Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
