Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm bleeding and have questions
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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