Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(425): View more from Washington

If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab

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(845): View more from New York

This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on

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(513): View more from Ohio

With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap

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(406): View more from Montana

drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.

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(817): View more from Texas

No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.

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(212): View more from New York

You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM

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(317): View more from Indiana

Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?

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