You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
