When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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