I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
