sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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