i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
