Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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