Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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