Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
