my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
