I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
