Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize