just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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