I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
