how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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